my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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