im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
