I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
