There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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