it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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