So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
