Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
