You smell like a Billy Joel song
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
