Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
