I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There r osticjed everywhere
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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