I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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