fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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