I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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