Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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