then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
