Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
