So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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