Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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