I'm going to jail i love you
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize