If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am full of burrito and curiosity
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
