i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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