when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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