I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
