My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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