Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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