Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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