I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
