shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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