My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
