At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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