I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
