Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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