ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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