i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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