I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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