the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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