Duck Duck Cougar?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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