I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
