We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize