I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
