I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
