I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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