Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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