just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
