yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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