Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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