Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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