I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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