i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
