Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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