Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
