the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
