I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize