omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
