I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
