I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
