she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
