i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
