Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
