So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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