mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
