Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
