OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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