Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
