we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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